Filled With Emotion

1 year ago I brought my sweet baby girl home from the hospital. She came 6 weeks and 5 days early. I wasn't prepared for that. She is our first baby and I am still learning the ropes of being a mother. Yesterday I pulled some pictures off my phone from Kate's 1st month. I got emotional as I downloaded each one. I am now as I type this. It is the weirdest feeling in the whole world to have a part of you pulled from you and then to leave the hospital without that precious baby that had been with you for 8+months. You feel as if she doesn't belong to you when you ask the nurses if you can hold her and when she ate last and when her last diaper was changed. I am not sure if it would have been easier for me if it was my second child that stayed in the NICU rather than my first. I remember breaking down the day I left her in the hospital. I will never forget that feeling. I wasn't expecting it but it came on very strong. I guess I was full of emotion because I felt like this wasn't how it was suppose to be. Kate was to leave the hospital when we did. She did great in the NICU but I hated going up there. I never felt as if I handled her correctly or got enough time with her. It was very hard for the first 2 weeks for me to walk the parking deck, go up to elevators and then walk the long halls to the NICU due to my C-section. We could only go at certain times and visitors even less then that. I called multiple times to check in on her and make sure she didn't have any destats (when her heart rate when drop unexpectedly, but luckily she always pulled herself out on her own). I never felt like I washed my hands enough. I saw other parents kiss their babies but I wouldn't even touch Kate's hand for fear of her getting some kind of illness that she could not fight. Don and I both took turns of getting sick with raging colds and we both couldn't see her for 4 days at a time. Then we were told she was to come home after 3 weeks of being in the NICU. We were so excited yet so scared. The day we were to get her, her nurse calls very early in the morning. Her first statement is "Mrs. Farmer, everything is alright with Kate, but she did have a braidy last night and she will need to stay 7 more days for us to monitor her." As you can imagine my heart dropped to the floor. We were so close to having her home and our life to move on but, it wasn't time for Kate. Luckily, little Miss Kate came home with us 6 days from then...Election Day 2008. I was so very uptight. Things have calmed majorly since then. Our girl at her 1 year checkup was 21 lbs and 29 inches long. That is the 50% and not adjusted for her being a preemie. She has come a long one from her entrance into the world at 4 lbs 8 ounces and 16 and 1/2 inches long. Confession: I didn't take alot of pictures from her first month because I didn't want other people to see them and think I had a sick baby. She wasn't sick, just needed some time to develop. Here are a few pictures from Kate's first month: